


Strangers To Ourselves

by Einhorn



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, Mentions of past abuse, Time Skips, Trans Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-25
Updated: 2015-06-25
Packaged: 2018-04-06 03:45:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,047
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4206735
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Einhorn/pseuds/Einhorn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Padme has a visitor.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Strangers To Ourselves

**Author's Note:**

> This fic has been on the back burner for the better part of a year. I fell out of interest in Star Wars for a while when I moved onto Dragon Age, but with Ahsoka’s return in Rebels I thought that finishing this would be appropriate.   
> I’m not fluently versed in the lore thanks to a learning disability inhibiting my ability to understand it fully so I apologize for any uh, extremely major inaccuracies.

It had been about eight months since Ahsoka left the Jedi Order. The togruta’s leaving had created ripples and waves of doubt within the somewhat pseudo-peace the Republic was in, since the War was almost over. Padme, being in the senate, was not able to appreciate the “peace” quite yet. Numerous issues--such as the fact that General Grievous was  still at large \--were at fault.

And of course, after Barriss Offee’s betrayal and Ahsoka’s near expulsion, the Republic had begun to doubt the Jedi. Many conspiracy theories had popped up--a favorite was that the Senate was just a puppet and the Jedi were the  real  rulers of the Galaxy--putting pressure upon the Chancellor and everyone that sat in that big black room filled with hundreds and hundreds of chairs.

Padme was not the only one who felt stressed by it all. Anakin Skywalker, who had been Ahsoka’s master, had felt himself at fault for her leaving and temporarily fallen into despair. His attacks grew reckless, his plans were even sloppier than usual, and he had developed and annoying ego streak. 

Right now the Knight was away, and Padme was enjoying a day off--from her husband’s, and the senate’s, ramblings.  I’m not sure that I can see a difference in the two , she had mused one day,  the similarities are quite remarkable . Today, though, was not the time to dwell on such amusing parallels. 

It was unusually bright and sunny on Coruscant, and light streamed from the windows, filling her apartment with the golden glow of a beautiful morning. Usually, Padme relied on artificial lights to see but today she could blessedly turn them off. 

Along with it being such a nice day, she had a guest coming to visit--who was due to arrive any minute now. She was half nervous, half excited. Ahsoka hadn’t been seen on Coruscant since she had left, and Padme was worried about what she would find.

Would she see a shell of the girl, skinny and scared? Or would a grown woman stand before her, hardened by six month’s absence? Perhaps she hadn’t changed at all, and it would be almost exactly like it had been before her leaving. 

Either way, Padme was glad that the Togruta was coming to see her. Ahsoka had been avoiding Anakin fiercely ever since, probably not wanting to face her old master. Maybe she felt some measure of guilt about her abandoning him--perhaps she didn’t. Maybe she just was just arriving at her late “rebellious teenger” stage.

It didn’t matter. She was safe. She was alive. As far as Padme knew, she had not gotten involved with any drug rings or smugglers or other unsavory characters. 

The senator sat down upon one of the plush couches in her apartment. It was getting closer and closer to the time---ten o’clock, sharp--Ahsoka would arrive that morning. The scheduling of their meeting had been brief and through short written messages, as Ahsoka had been “otherwise engaged” at the time and was unable to spare time for more than such. 

Engaged with what, Padme had not been able to find out. Her questions had gone unanswered, a quick “I’ll tell you when I see you” Ahsoka’s only response. Initially Padme had found it irritating, but then her senator’s mind had taken over and reasoned that it was most likely too sensitive for paper. 

It was now five minutes until ten. Padme smoothed down the robes she wore--blue, and trimmed with gold thread--suddenly feeling nervous again, her previous fears about Ahsoka’s condition coming back to prick at her brain.  Ahsoka is very strong, and very smart,  Padme told herself firmly,  she will be alright . 

Ahsoka’s reputation as Anakin Skywalker’s ex-Padawan, however, was something to consider. Now alone and presumably abandoned by the Jedi order, she could be a target. Being a woman, and a “non-traditional” woman like that, would make her even more vulnerable--even if her would-be assailants didn’t know that she had been a Padawan. 

It was now a minute before ten, and there was a hesitant knock on the door. Padme smoothed down her robes again and patted her hair, making sure not a single brown curl was out of place. She stood up, and answered the knocking.

Sure enough, Ahsoka was there when Padme opened the door to her apartment.

“You’ve changed,” Padme blurted out, then mentally kicked herself for being callous.

Ahsoka shrugged. “I guess so,” she said, in a voice softer than Padme had remembered, “can I come in?” the Togruta looked nervous.

“Does anyone else know you are here?” Padme asked cautiously, not at all surprised when the answer was no. 

“I don’t know anyone else,” Ahsoka said casually, “and I made sure I wasn’t seen when I came here.”

Padme did not miss the way her eyes flickered to the windows. “Come in, then,” she said, “and make yourself comfortable. Do you want a drink?”

Ahsoka shuffled where she stood. “No thank you,” she said in that same unusually quiet tone, “I’d rather sit down.”

Padme then noticed exactly how tired the girl looked. The shadows under her dull blue eyes were deep, and she was leaning upon the doorframe slightly. “Come sit down then,” she said, reaching to put a hand on Ahsoka’s shoulder.

That was a mistake. “Don’t touch me!” The girl snapped and slapped Padme’s hand away. Her big blue eyes were wide with uncharacteristic fear, but the fear switched to shock when she’d realized what she’d done. “I’m sorry---” she began, but Padme waved her off.

“You reacted accordingly to an invasion of space. There is nothing to apologize for,” She soothed the agitated togruta, “now let’s get you inside and on the couch.” 

Ahsoka’s montrals darkened a bit; a blush. “Thanks,” she mumbled, “sorry. Sorry for slapping you.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Padme said again, “please.” she gestured to the soft white couch, and subtly watched Ahsoka’s movements as the girl sat down.

She was limping, and her nose scrunched up in pain as she sat down. A sigh left her lips as she relaxed against the cushions. “So tired,” she rubbed her eyes, “I haven’t been able to sleep for a week. Always being woken up by nightmares--nightmares of you, of Skyguy, of the….trial,” she scowled, “and of all those people killed.” 

Padme nodded. She took the time to study Ahsoka, searching for any obvious injuries and taking in her appearance. It had not changed much but it had. The girl--no, woman, Padme corrected herself--had grown, her montrals and lekku a good bit taller and longer. Her body had filled out slightly, though it looked like she’d lost weight. 

Ahsoka’s overall appearance had a...not so visible difference to it, though Padme was not quite sure how different. Her clothes were off a different style, that much was obvious. The woman wore a dark red sleeveless tunic and tan breeches. Tall boots with many buckles went up to her knees, and leather bracers protected her wrists.

“You’ve changed,” Padme said suddenly, “you have changed very much, Ahsoka.”

Ahsoka’s lips quirked up into a small smile. “I suppose I have,” she said, folding her orange hands neatly into her lap, “though I’m not sure most of it’s for the better. So much has happened during these...months.” her voice trailed off. 

“Much has,” Padme agreed, “the war has...changed. It seems to be almost over.”

She was surprised when Ahsoka snorted and said in a somewhat humored tone, “It looks so from  here.  I was out there for a bit, even though I’m no longer part of the Order. You’d be surprised how many baddies have started to get to work again, what with the  war  being the Senate’s main distraction.” the togruta slouched down upon the couch, sinking her face into the edge of her tunic. 

Padme blinked. “I suppose I am surprised,” she said honestly, “that the Jedi have not been sent to deal which such...characters.”

Ahsoka shook her head. “The common people are doing that, Padme. It’s been rough out there.” Her eyes grew distant.

Padme looked down at her nails, studying them. They were clean and carefully painted. Suddenly wishing to change the subject--the atmosphere had grown much more awkward than even when Ahsoka had arrived--she said, “What have you been up to, Ahsoka? Other than trying to help with the War still.”

She was surprised when Ahsoka grinned, sat up, and poked at her shirt. “Six months now,” she said proudly, “It was one of the first things I did when I left. I found a doctor who’d give me the stuff--took him two months to approve it, of course--and I’ve been taking it ever since.” 

“Fantastic,” Padme congratulated her, “I suppose that that’s a load off--or on--your chest, since you were never able to do it while Padawan.”

Ahsoka tugged at her shirt. “It is,” she admitted, “I thought I’d have to deal with the poking and teasing  forever.  My hips are wider, too, and my voice isn’t as deep!” she poked at the aforementioned hips and grinned even wider, “But what about you, Padme? What’s been going on with you, and with the senate?” the woman flopped back onto the couch in a more relaxed position, groaning as she was forced to bend her legs.

“You’re hurt,” Padme accused her. Ahsoka shook her head. 

“Growing pains,” she said awkwardly, but she winced and looked away when Padme threw an accusing glare her way. “Okay, okay,” she sighed, “I broke both my legs doing some really, really not smart. At all. My knees hurt a bit still. It’s been three months.”

Padme raised an eyebrow. “And what was it that you did?” she drummed on her knee a bit with her fingers, awaiting response.

Ahsoka looked like a child whose candy had been taken away. “So you see, I, uh,” her montrals blushed again, “I tried the  relationship thing .” she covered her face with her hands.

Padme stopped drumming her fingers. “Go on,” she said, suddenly very curious.

Ahsoka leaned back, draping her head over the edge of the couch. “It didn’t go very well,” she huffed, “I had uh, two boyfriends. Neither worked out.”

“I can’t imagine you being in any sort of relationship,” Padme admitted, “even though Jedi are refused such attachments. What, pray tell me, does this have to do with breaking your legs?”

“I’m getting to that,” Ahsoka waved her hand, “let me finish telling you about my  experience  first. The first guy was alright. We sparred, we kissed every now and then. It was okay, not my thing really. One day, he touched me without asking. I punched him and uh. I broke his nose,” she said sheepishly, “I didn’t mean to I just--I was upset. I realized then that I didn’t like people touching me, not without permission. He left me the next day. We were together for less than a month.”

“I am unsure that I would have had the courage to punch him,” Padme smiled slightly, “I commend you. And the other one?”

Ahsoka rubbed at her knees. “He was okay, too. Liked drinking, though, and did drugs. He tried to get me to do ‘em--I refused, of course. He talked a lot. We both talked a lot. Sometimes it was great, other times we ended up almost bringing a roof down we were so angry with each other.” she sat back up again and rested her chin in her hands.

“How’d you break up with that one?” 

Ahsoka scowled. “He tried to get me to sleep with him. I don’t like it, it’s gross. He tried to muscle me into it, telling me that I was  obligated  to sleep with him because we were together. I slapped him--he called me a bitch and pushed me off the roof we were sitting on.”

“That’s awful!” Padme gasped, “I’m so glad you got out of that--though I wish you hadn’t been injured in the process. Did you file charges, at least?”

“He ran for it. I never saw him again. I’ll stick a blaster bolt between his eyes if I do,” Ahsoka bared her teeth, “asshole deserves it.”

“Normally, I wouldn’t approve of such acts,” Padme laughed quietly, “but I suppose I may have to make an exception. Pushing you off a roof was exceptionally cruel.”

“Yup,” Ahsoka yawned, covering her mouth with a hand, “pretty nasty. Not being able to run properly for almost two months  sucked . Back to  my  question though: What’ve you been up to, and has anything important happened during the last, uh...eight months that I’ve been….away?” 

Padme had to think for a moment. What  had  happened? Outside of...something, which she was loathe to bring up since she was still unsure of it. The Senate was unchanged, the same batty old coots ran it, and it had been business as usual for the Jedi Order.

The Order. Anakin. “Very little has changed in the Senate,” she said, “the same people who cannot seem to agree on anything. I am unchanged--mostly. Anakin misses you.”

Ahsoka’s face fell like a waterfall when Anakin was mentioned. “I see,” she said slowly, “and has he been...alright?” the woman’s hands clenched against her knees. 

“He’s been...handling it reasonably well, to say the least,” Padme said stiffly, “he...still thinks that it’s his fault that you were expelled.”

Ahsoka turned her face away to look outside, at Coruscant and its bright lights. She remembered how it had looked the night she’d been framed. Bright, dark, and wet, and the air around her filled with the sight and smells of the blaster bolts of Clones. She shuddered. “I don’t blame him, by the way. For getting me expelled. That was the council’s fault.” the togruta yawned again.

Padme suddenly remembered how tired Ahsoka had looked when she had come in. “I’m so sorry,” she said ruefully, “I forgot that you were tired.”

“Doesn’t matter,” Ahsoka said, “been tired for ages now.” she flopped down onto her side on the couch, her bright blue eyes fluttering shut. “I kinda miss him.” she mumbled, drawing circles on the white fabric of the couch with a nail that looked like it had been chewed right down to the flesh. 

“You two were getting pretty close by the...end,” Padme said somewhat awkwardly, “despite such attachments being frowned upon by the Order.”  And here you are , she told herself,  telling her it’s against the rules whilst you are in the middle of breaking them.

“Yeah….” Ahsoka yawned again, “‘s not a problem anymore, for  me  at least. Not like I’m interested in any sort of romance anyway. I tried on that shoe and it didn’t fit me. Come to think of it, I’ve gone through a lot of shoes these last few months--metaphorical and literal.”

Padme opened her mouth to reply, but her pocket comlink decided at that moment go loudly beep at her, signaling an incoming transmission. “If you’ll excuse me,” she said in a way of apology to Ahsoka (who waved her hand tiredly to acknowledge it) “I must take this in case it’s important.”

She stepped away and into another room, drawing the small round comlink from her pocket. A quick glance at it confirmed that it was Anakin. With a bit of a small sigh, Padme pressed the button to accept the transmission. 

As Padme waited for it to connect, she glanced back into the main room at Ahsoka. The woman had fallen asleep, one arm dangling off the couch haphazardly. She wondered exactly how often Ahsoka slept, and how long. The woman had mentioned nightmares.    
“Padme ,” the Anakin’s voice sounded through the comlink, “ I’m going to be away for a little longer. I’m sorry. ”

Padme could barely hide the disappointment in her voice. “Oh,” she said quietly, “Do you have an estimate...how long?”

Anakin was silent for a moment. Padme rubbed her hand upon her stomach, which was starting to show ever so slightly. 

“ I don’t know. Maybe a week, maybe two. Maybe a month .”

Padme glanced back at Ahsoka. She had rolled over to press her face into the couch.and had wrapped her arms around her shoulders. The togruta was shivering slightly. 

Poor girl. How long had it been since she’d had a safe place to lay her head down? To sleep without fear? To be able to go a night without wondering if she’d ever wake up?

She knew that if Anakin was killed on this extended mission, Ahsoka would be devastated. Even though they were talking no longer, there was still a measure of fondness between the two. Borne out of years of training together, of eating together. Of spending hours sitting next to each other’s hospital beds.

“Please be safe,” Padme said, “for….for all our sakes.”  His sake, my sake, Ahsoka’s sake, and...the baby’s sake .

“ So it’s really happening then .” Padme couldn’t see Anakin’s face, but she could guess what expression it held right now. Some mixture of confusion and excitement, maybe. 

“Yes,” she replied, “It’s...happening.”

Anakin went silent again. “I have to go now,” he quickly after a moment. Padme could hear the sounds of blasters going off in the background, “I’ll contact you again as soon as I am able.”

The line died. Padme slid the comlink back into one of the pockets of her robes.  Please let him be safe.

She turned back to Ahsoka. The togruta was breathing evenly, and her rest seemed peaceful, except for the shake of her shoulders every now and then. Padme found herself pulling a blanket off the room’s bed.

So deep was Ahsoka’s sleep that she didn’t even notice when Padme returned. The togruta’s were parted slightly as she breathed, deep in sleep.  I should convince her to visit more often , Padme found herself thinking as she gently laid the blanket over Ahsoka’s prone form,  Have a nice long talk about things. 

Things being Anakin. But that was a conversation best saved. For now, all that was necessary was that the brave ex-Padawan got some rest. 


End file.
